Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters

Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters

Rated R and Released 1/25/13

Reviewed 1/25/13 at Celebration Cinema North in Grand Rapids, MI

By GUEST REVIEWER GARY

with Jen and Denny

2 1/2 out of 5 Js in QUIET Rating System

Like I always say, "there's nothing like a good witch hunting movie," and Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters is certainly one of them!

Starring Jeremy Renner as Hansel and super cutie Gemma Arterton as Gretel, this is the story of the siblings all grown up. We find them traveling around, hunting and slaying witches for profit. And of course seeking revenge for their mistreatment during their childhood at the hands of the cruel and evil witch from the cake and confectionary house in the forest. This story is basically the continuation of the fairy tale 15 years later, and brother and sister are out for some big time payback - not only for their ordeal, but more importantly the death of their parents.

If you are looking for a "good" movie with good acting and a stirring believable plot, this is not the one for you! If you like to watch movies similar to how you eat food - where junk food is totally acceptable - then this might be fun for you. Hansel and Gretel is junk but a fun and wild ride with lots of really bad dialogue with guts and gore to rival any horror flick. It seems I was in the minority having a great time being entertained by the fights with the super-powered witches where Gretel especially proves to be able to take it as well as she gives it out. Jen and Denny on the other hand were far less amused and thought what I saw as "fun" could be better described as absurdity.

Lots of the scenes involve Hansel and Gretel whipping out some pretty amazing crossbows and even shotguns and other armament I never knew existed in the middle ages. Even though this movie falls flat all over the place, I suppose I'm just being tolerant because of the non-stop excitement. Another surprise was their use of 21st century phrases like, "are you f-ing kidding me!?" I guess I just never knew they spoke like that back then. There are lots of chuckles between the various ways they find to decapitate witch heads and incinerate them. At one point Hansel explains to one of the towns girls, who's developing a thing for him, that he needs to take a shot every four hours to counteract the effects of a condition he's developed from being forced to eat all that candy when he and Gretel were held captive. While historically accurate to the fairy tale, I was quite amazed to see that someone had all ready diagnosed and come up with the a treatment for diabetes. The syringe was huge and really dirty and seemed to deliver a half cup of insulin at a time.  But hey, if it works, and it sure seemed to, why not! All this just added to the fun if you're a junk movie junkie. If all you've seen in the last year is Les Mis and Lincoln then you're going to find Hansel and Gretel an abomination. I've seen much worse and this one was a lot of fun. There is no shortage of some really great action/fight scenes. If you go to this one, maybe we can meet at Burger King afterwards for a couple of Whoppers!

QUIET Rating system:  JJj

Quality: J

Understood story:  JJJ

Interest: JJ

Entertainment:  JJJj

Time:  JJJ